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I often have a lot of thoughts floating around in my head and sometimes I like to spew it out into words.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Moving Around (This is getting a little depressing, isn't it?)

I've always moved around and the time period between every move seems really harsh to the little kid I was. Two to three years is definitely a sufficient amount of time for young kids to make bonds but especially because they are young kids, it's also equally hard to keep those bonds after you move and I felt that. A lot.
After two or three years, you make best friends and you always promise to be together no matter what but kids are fickle. As soon as I leave, I never hear from those same friends again. Sure they're on Facebook now but what does that mean when you can't see each other or talk to each other about school or even just hang out? I just descend into just a small part of their memories. Because of this keeps happening to me, I started to lose faith in making friends. I would smile along and be friendly but what attachments are useful to me? I'll just lose them anyway and I'll be hurt. But no matter how much I try I always end up thinking that a set of people are precious to me. No matter how much I lie to myself and say that they aren't they actually are and when I leave and I'm all alone again, I end up terrified that I didn't mean anything to any of the friends I've made.
I've started doubting new friends and even when I've with the friends that I've actually kept in contact with, I feel like I'm just forcing myself onto them because I hate being alone. Now I just look back at my life and see all the happy times with my friends and start wondering how much of that meant to any of them.
Moving terrifies me. Change terrifies me. One of my biggest dreams was to be able to live in one place forever. To have a childhood friend and to have one school that I can confidently say that I was the product of. I know it's selfish because there are tons of people out there who would love to live the kind of life I've had but every time I read books where characters know their town and where they belong I feel so jealous. I don't even have I place I can call my definite home or a town that I could say I grew up with. I don't know what kind of culture I've lived or what my personality is because everything keeps changing depending on where I live. I just feel so lost in the shuffle. I know I've learned a lot from the experiences I've had but sometimes I just wish that I was just a normal kid in a normal town where I can confidently say I came from. That's why when I grow up, I'm going to stick my roots into one place and build my own home.


  1. I felt the same way before, and I've moved more than you. When I transferd to ISM I promised myself that I would be moving again in a few years, so there was no point in making friends but after being at that school for two years I was seriously depressed. My mom almost allowed me to go to boarding school near my brothers cause i thought that was the only way I would be happy. But I stayed and I made friends. some old and some new. I even got rejected from a few people but some of them became friends I will have for the rest of my life no matter where I'll be in the world. Just don't do what I did and shut everyone out of your life like I did.

    I know it sucks not knowing where you belong, but I couldn't imagine my life being any different. Cause I read those books and think about the characters life, I often ask myself "aren't they bored of the same people, same places, and doing the same thing everyday?"

  2. Thanks a lot. I don't think I could shut up people even if I tried since I love having friends so much :)
    My life just feels like a huge mess of ups and downs so I still can't help wondering what it would have been like if I was born and grew in one place. I don't regret my life though, I have a great family and wonderful friends like you so I'm pretty happy now. Just a little anxious of what's going to happen after this.

  3. Guys, I know that I've moved around a lot less than you, but I know what you're feeling anyways. Even though this is only my second move, for the longest time I thought I was the luckiest girl for being in one city the entire time. But you know what, I moved to ISM, and now here, and I realize what I've been missing. And you know what guys? I think that no matter what, I'll always be friends with you. Because I'll tell you what, when I came into 6th grade, I was kinda sorta bullied for being innocent and not knowing about sex and shit. It sucked, and I used to make myself suck by eating stuff that I shouldn't and my parents spent a lot of money because they thought I had a problem. It's kinda horrible what I did. But yeah. And my faith in ISM was destroyed for the longest time, and maybe until the middle of eight grade, I didn't really like it. But then all of us became friends and got closer and I don't know guys, one day, I was actually glad I was going to school. And for once, I felt happy at lunch and then I felt happy all the time. And then suddenly it was so funny to be with you guys and you know what? I don't think I can ever credit another group of people with making me love my school and making me laugh as much as I did before the bullying again. My friends in India have gone places and I might have one or two friends there, but yeah, you guys are the people who helped me through it without even realizing it. So I don't think I can ever think about not being friends with you. So please, know that this is what you mean to me. And even though you might move again, know that I am NOT going to let go of that group of people that helped me so much in life. NEVER. EVER.

  4. I'll try not to too! Thanks a lot for making me feel better. Gosh, this must the longest comment I've ever gotten