Friday, May 3, 2013
Why I Hate Zombie Apocalypse Movies
Okay, I'll probably make a lot of disagreements on my first day here but I am going to tell you how the Zombie Apocalypse just does not agree with me at all.
I once had an debate over this with my friend. I'm not sure if she remembers but that topic just got stuck in my head for weeks after that and even now, months later, I'm still recalling it because it just pisses me off so much.
First of all, let me get the definition of zombies: "A soulless corpse said to be revived by witchcraft".
It seems to be a legend that was spawned in Africa with their culture's active engagement with the dead and witchcraft. This is actually the first time that I have seen the mention of "witchcraft" along with zombies. It make me think of Harry Potter and the Half Blooded Prince with all the dead people trying to keep Harry and Dumbledore from getting to the Horcrux. Did I ever mention that I am a huge Harry Potter fan? Well that's a story for another day, so BACK ON TOPIC!
Now we know what it originally was but Zombie Apocalypse stories are told in a slightly different ways these days.
It usually starts out in a sudden outbreak or an futuristic dystopian setting which is usually explained by a virus or not explained at all. They also added in a bit about cannibalism just to freak people out. The only story that linked zombies to witchcraft was "Paranorman" which was a very good movie that I recommend to all. However, most of the time they never go into detail on how it started which frustrates me so very much. Really, the only background info about zombies in these kinds of stories are just that they can be killed if you shoot them in the brain. Which lead me to the first question, HOW?
How did dead bodies suddenly start moving around? Virus? SHUT UP! Tell me how the freaking virus worked to make completely dead, decomposing bodies move. Don't just say that I virus did all that and expect me not to question you. If you know it was a virus, then you should probably also know how it worked. Explain it to me please. Even if you don't know, I'm pretty sure if people started rekilling dead people, some cynical scientists would be taking the bodies off the streets to dissect them and analyse them to see what's going on. They never tell us anything about that so I'm guessing the dead bodies moving is basically impossible.
Now, on the miracle chance that they can prove it can work, I've got another question; how did it spread so damn fast? I understand the whole "there are so many dead bodies buried everywhere" thing but they're buried six feet under in a very sturdy coffin, that is, if they weren't cremated. How will they and their decomposing muscles dig their way out of that? The coffin probably won't even open with all the weight piled over it, and even if they did bust it, the soil will probably rush in a crush them. Gravity. my friends: It really does work.
So what if you say, "Well there are still some freshly dead people who aren't buried under yet!". Fine, challenge me. If they are dead, then obviously there is something wrong with their bodies right? Most likely they were old and sick so can't moving that well unless they were cleanly murdered which is a small percentage of all the dead people in the world. Now, on a chance that that small percentage of murdered people are able to kill enough people to spread it far and wide, there is something wrong with the solution. How is bashing the brain going to work?
It's a freaking dead body which means that the brain is not working. It is moving for an unknown force so it does not matter whether or not there is a brain. So basically, the only way to least get them to stop chasing you is by cutting off all their limbs so that they can't move or burying them six feet under.
So there you have it! Why zombie movies just won't work out!
If there's something wrong about my logic, don't be scared to leave a comment. I promise I won't lash out or troll at you.